AbsolutNormal

Useless

2010-07-19T21:39:39Z

I don't know what to do. Life is a tiny bit less stressful with a roof over our heads, but we are still struggling everyday. Money is so hard to come by, my boss had given me like $40 to go towards gas etc. which I thought was nice, but she is still not giving me any hours! my Mom and Dad are fighting all the time I just try and stay in my room with Laura trying to find something to make us happy. She fights with them all the time too. They can not handle her and do not understand her. She is so emotional right now! with no insurance, no way to see her doctors, no medicine it is making her SNAP!. I love her so much and hate to see her going through this and being in so much pain and having so much heartache :( It is like God has left the building or whatever higher power that is there or playing some horrible trick on the four of us! We tried to go back onto Mara this game site we like and have been away from for a long time. Just to find out that someone we thought was a friend had posted a Facebook post of something emotional Laura had said when she was upset and depressed and people started making fun of her over it. She is... well was a MOD on the site and she got really upset that no one cared that these fucks were treating her this way! she expressed her emotions to a higher staff member and now she is no longer a MOD and is torn up about it! Life is hard enough and Mara was supposed to be our happy place but now she wants to quit and say the hell with them all! I personally do not want to do this. But it is no fun not having someone to enjoy the site with so I will most likely quit with her if it comes to that. I try my best to keep her smiling but it is so hard with what is going on right now I feel useless half the time. I am afraid she is going to harm herself things are just getting out of control! my two other sister's don't even know how bad it is! They will never know us, and understand what we go through everyday it is fucking SAD!

Everything is killing me!

2010-06-20T09:16:17Z

I am just sitting down after a much needed shower. I am the only one up so the house is pretty quite except for the roar of the fan behind me and the washer and dryer going in the next room. Everything is pretty much killing me! my legs from hauling boxes up and down the stairs, my back is a constant throb even my fingers hurt typing this! Nothing seems to be looking up for us here. We have to move.... we only have a few days to get our crap together and get out of here before the cops show up to kick us out (so I'm told) and we have no place to go as of right now. We have been looking and looking and nothing is turning up. We get rejected for having pets, or bad credit... blah blah blah! I mean it is hard times right now the only reason we are getting kicked out is because we paid the rent late because we cant make it on the 1st and THEY were just tired of that I guess. I mean we paid the late fees and everything. We have been here about 10 years you would think these people could cut us a break and work something out with us! My Dad who does the best he can is at it with my sister Laura all the time arguing no stop he just does not understand the way she works and it makes it hard on all of us. His mind alone does not work the best, his thinking is screwed up most of the time. The medication that he is addicted to does not HELP! Laura is suffering from depression, OCD, and not having any but a few of her medications. She is still in constant pain with her back and legs, and feels useless because she has been out of work for 2 years and is not bringing in any money. Her insurance/disability has ended she is most likely going to have a third back surgery. I mean cut the gal a break you know! My Mom who just recently had neck/spine surgery is a mess because she is out of most of HER medication and she does not know how to handle stress or emotions. So life pretty much fucking sucks! I have my doubts about any hirer power out there as it has been one mess after the next... no help... no one to lend a hand and pull us out of this hell cycle we have been suffering through! It is calm right here by myself but tomorow will be another struggle to get through. I am sure there will be fighting and crying and moaning an groaning and the constant stress. I just want to be happy, I just want my family to be happy we deserve it. We have had enough hard times and enough heartache for one life time!

WHY?!?

2010-05-25T10:07:14Z

Well that didn't last long... having a good day/night... everything is WRONG!... life should not be this HARD!...family is supposed to support each other not FIGHT!... I am just tired of it ALL!...It is hard not knowing if I will have a home to live in... where we will get our next meal... why do some people get it so EASY?... why is life so simple for THEM?... Why PRAY is it does nothing in return?...why GIVE if you get NOTHING back?!...Why continue on?... is there REALLY something to look forward to?...Will there finally be PEACE one day?.. doesn't seem like that is going to happen... not anytime soon! I feel alone... I feel like TRASH... Three other people live in this house and the one person I need the most is not even talking to me and I am sitting right next to her...maybe this time the fight will continue...there will be no making up...and it will just be me and this black hole I feel I am falling into... more... and more... and more until I am GONE!

Rage, Rage go away come back another day!

2010-05-24T15:43:24Z

It is 8am, I have been up about 18hrs and am just playing around here on the computer, hanging with Laura. My Sims 3 is shrunk down, I was playing on Facebook some, stalking friends, family, co-workers. Is happy to say yesterday was a pretty good day here at the house, I mean considering. At least there was no war going on. Then again I didn't see my parents very much. There has been a lot of fighting, a lot of built up anger, a lot of tears. I pretty much freaked out at one point and smashed a pan to bits the other night. There was a lot of screaming, I am very surprised no one called the cops! I go into rages sometimes and it is hard to control it. Just another thing I need to work on. It is NOT easy. I am a very emotional person. I guess my whole family is pretty emotional that is why we all get into it all the time. There is also a lot of stress. Caused by lack of money, lack of medication <---because we can not afford it because of the lack of money. My mom is about to have surgery, she has been snippy and crying all the time over little things. She demands things all the time like make me a CD. We need to Watch Idol before next week, there are 6 episodes of 24 we NEED to watch! she needs to calm down it is not like the shows are going to just vanish off the TV! For one thing this years Idol is not as exciting as last years. I mean I like Crystal and Lee, but I really loved last year. Adam was so amazing! there are not a lot of artist that have tried to make the songs their own this year. I really like Lee's voice but he is not very Idol material. Kind of just layed back, shy, not sure of himself. I love Crystal's personality. I like her voice as well, just there just something lacking this year... maybe Adam just ruined my Idol experience and now every contestant has to live up to him! *lol*...anyways back to my complaining! My Dad is just annoying most of the time, because he does not know how to talk to people, he does not know how to show affection. He is on a lot of strong medication. It is all just a bad mixture :( No one is working but me at the moment. I am not mad about this, it is just sometimes it is hard to get up in the morning knowing everyone else can just go back to sleep. Oh and by working I mean working shitty four hour shifts. I tried explaining my situation, pretty much begged for more hours and management does not care at ALL! I know I should just try and look for a new job, but it is pretty much like this everywhere right? tight on hours, wont pay crap etc. I still have one more day off before having to go face another day, I should try not to stress over it. I think I need to eat something, I am feeling really sick now, it might be the pill I took too for my back pain. I think I will be bonding with my pillow here soon... Nite/Morning!

100 True Things

2010-05-12T09:09:38Z

BOLD = true.

01. I have a cell phone. (not turned on)

02. I'm obsessed with high heels.

03. I'm the youngest child.

04. I am a shopoholic.

05. I love hoop earrings.

06. I am a libra.

07. I love vodka. (Vodka Ads)

09. I can't live without lip gloss.

10. I can't live without music.

11. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.

12. I spend money I don't have.

13. I'll be in college forever.

14. I've seen Jason Mraz.

15. I get annoyed easily.

16. I eventually want kids.

18. I have more than a couple of horrible memories.

19. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.

20. I am a person.

21. My first kiss was when I was 18.

22. I start film school in February.

23. I love taking pictures.

24. I hate girls who are fake.

25. I can be mean when I want to.

26. My dreams are bizarre.

27. One of my close friends is gay.

28. I have way too many purses.

29. I've seen 'Fight Club' at least 45 times.

30. I usually dress how I feel that day.

31. I love 'Sex and the City'!

32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.

33. I hate when people are late. (Sometimes)

34. I procrastinate.

35. I love winter.

36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser/floor!

37. I love to sleep.

38. I wish I were smarter.

39. I'm afraid of flying.

40. I hate drama.

41. I am addicted to 'The O.C.'

42. I love my hair.

43. I never fight with my parents.

44. I love the beach.

45. I have never had the chicken pox.

46. I'm excited for the future.

47. I can't control my emotions.

48. I can't wait till New Year's.

49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.

50. I love my friends.

51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.

52. I can be very insecure sometimes.

53. I have never broken a bone.

54. I hate racist people.

55. I hate my computer.

56. I love guys that play the guitar.

57. I state the obvious.

58. I'm a happy person. (A lot of the times)

59. I love to dance.

61. I hate cleaning my room.

62. I tend to get jealous very easily.

63. I love cute underwear.

64. I love John Mayer.

65. I cry when I see animals/people getting
hurt/abused.

66. I want to go to Greece.

67. I don't like to study for tests.

68. I love God. (We have an understanding)

69. I am too forgiving.

70. I have a horrible sense of direction.

71. I love high school.

72. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.

73. I'm a daddy's girl.

74. I love kisses.

75. I love the color pink.

76. I love to sew.

77. I have Blue eyes.

78. I love the Olsen Twins.

79. I played soccer for 14 years.

80. I become stressed easily.

81. I hate liars.

82. I like comfy sweatpants.

83. Paul Walker is my dream guy.

84. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained.

85. I love my family.

86. I hate needles.

87. I am a perfectionist. (sometimes)

88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.

90. I am still a virgin. (in my own mind)

91. I would love to have my own fashion line.

92. I can be quite selfish.

93. I still act like a little kid.

94. Above all, I despise dishonesty.

95. I love pictures.

96. I love music.

97. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.

98. I love getting stuff in the mail.

99. I have problems letting go of people.

100. I hate the feeling of being alone.

Crappy Birthday to me!

2010-05-11T06:53:42Z

It has been a long time since I have wrote in a journal. I deleted my past entries a few years back, and just have not had the time or the want to write again. There has been a lot going on in my life. Not directly to me but with the members of my family. My sister Laura has had two back surgeries since the last time I was here, my Dad is still on disability, it has been at least five years now! we are still waiting on the settlement to go through it has been a long process. My Mom now has been in a lot of pain with her back and neck and is in the process of getting ready for a surgery, she is really scared but this is a surgery that has to be done as it has to do with her spinal cord. She also does not deserve to be in pain, she has been a hard and dedicated worker my whole life, and the crap her work is putting her through because of the situation she is in is bullshit. I myself just turned 28 today, it was pretty much a shitty day. My Dad was an ass last night and in one of his moods and tainted the night (which as you know was Mother's Day) and today with his bad attitude. He just apologized, but like I was always told growing up "actions speak louder than words". I slept must of the day I was just depressed and just didn't want to face anyone. Laura has been trying to keep my spirits up (making me a cup of coffee right now and baking cookies). I wish I had more time to relax and play around on the computer but I have to be back in bed soon because of work tomorrow :( I am going to try and get some Sim time in (Yes still a FAN!). *Sigh* It has just been a really hard time, I am still working at Barnes and Nobles, they are giving me hardly any hours even though I am a Full time worker. It has just been a struggle getting bills paid, rent together, even food for the house. I don't think my other two sisters that do not live with us know how hard it has really been. My sister Dawn who lives in Virginia Beach sent me a B-Day gift Daffy Duck Plushie dressed as Bugs Bunny SO cute! and a Visa Gift Card. The money went to food for the house and to a fun meal of Wings for last night and today, so that was a nice thing. I wasn't expecting anything. No one has really had money to get any gifts for each other, we had decorations up for Christmas but there was no gift giving this year between us four. A total downer, but we still had each other, Christmas movies and a nice meal so it wasn't all bad. We all have just been sticking together making the best of what we have and trying not to fight all the time <--- Not easy to do! Since I was last here I have also been introduced to Facebook which I enjoy. I don't play as many games now on it as I use to, just mainly go on there to stalk my friends and family. I still play Marapets. But have been gone from the site for awhile now do to the fact that they have not updated in forever and I just have not been into dealing with all it takes to run a Club. I will one of these days get back into it, just the thought is so tiring right now. Better end this as I am just rambling now... Time to have cake anyways! guess it isn't so crappy after all :)