so angry i could spit right now. why did you even get that fucking loan when nobody needed to. worst. idea. ever. and i can't help but feel like you did it just so it'd hang over me like this. you claim it isn't that but i swear to christ. putting me in this position, this scary vulnerable position i NEVER HAD TO BE IN EVER, IN THE FIRST PLACE. i feel like. you did it to put me in my place or laud it over me, so i'd have to experience the vulnerability first hand. for the sheer experience of it. when we didn't have to do this. why did you do this to me. why.

i have to cry.