this is why i'm never, not ever starting a family of my own.
i am not a fucking doormat. and yes, i realize everyone in a family feels entitled at some point to say that out loud. i don't get first rights on that. but that's exactly it. why bother at all. it is just not goddamn worth it. for anybody involved. ask 'em.
so that's it then, struggle between what they claim biology tells you to do ("humans are as communal as wolves!" har) in order to prevent that soul-searing bone-curling loneliness that crawls into bed with you at night in your single occupancy apartment, or realize you just cannot live with other people because um, people tend to be the worst disappointments you will ever face and the result is you find yourself saying when you're with them for more than a week "i'm not gonna live long if i stay here with them" blood pressure and fisttightened angeranger whether seething resentment or dish slamming madness. and that if you want to live with any sort of breath of calm in your day to day and a living realization of the beauty of the whole "NO DRAMA" rule (or is it schtick), then you must face that you're too smart and too good on your own (taking care, etc) to step forward and actively choose to submit to this shit as a neverending way of life. it's still lonely, but oddly, living with people who make you want to rip out the seams can often be just as lonely. they're just two different forms of the same ongoing constraint on happiness. maybe.
maybe this is vitriolic. i haven't been good here in ages. coming home tends to do that to me--it's either soft gushing when an evening goes right, or fist marks on the wall where the punches landed. s'true, i'm sorry.
i just have to make a firm choice to not allow myself to be hurt this badly in the future. i have to just say it, just say i WILL NOT get into anything that creates these messes if i know better. and if it starts, or if at some point i get weak and then i realize later that's what it is, a mistake? i walk. i just get the hell out as soon i possibly am able to.
that's the ticket though. must become fully independent. in three. two. ...
aaarh/
i am not a fucking doormat. and yes, i realize everyone in a family feels entitled at some point to say that out loud. i don't get first rights on that. but that's exactly it. why bother at all. it is just not goddamn worth it. for anybody involved. ask 'em.
so that's it then, struggle between what they claim biology tells you to do ("humans are as communal as wolves!" har) in order to prevent that soul-searing bone-curling loneliness that crawls into bed with you at night in your single occupancy apartment, or realize you just cannot live with other people because um, people tend to be the worst disappointments you will ever face and the result is you find yourself saying when you're with them for more than a week "i'm not gonna live long if i stay here with them" blood pressure and fisttightened angeranger whether seething resentment or dish slamming madness. and that if you want to live with any sort of breath of calm in your day to day and a living realization of the beauty of the whole "NO DRAMA" rule (or is it schtick), then you must face that you're too smart and too good on your own (taking care, etc) to step forward and actively choose to submit to this shit as a neverending way of life. it's still lonely, but oddly, living with people who make you want to rip out the seams can often be just as lonely. they're just two different forms of the same ongoing constraint on happiness. maybe.
maybe this is vitriolic. i haven't been good here in ages. coming home tends to do that to me--it's either soft gushing when an evening goes right, or fist marks on the wall where the punches landed. s'true, i'm sorry.
i just have to make a firm choice to not allow myself to be hurt this badly in the future. i have to just say it, just say i WILL NOT get into anything that creates these messes if i know better. and if it starts, or if at some point i get weak and then i realize later that's what it is, a mistake? i walk. i just get the hell out as soon i possibly am able to.
that's the ticket though. must become fully independent. in three. two. ...
aaarh/