the older i get, the angrier and more frustratingly helpless i feel. more detached from the outer world too. what the fuck.
(is it really supposed to be like this?)
...
and sometimes i wish i didn't rush headlong into things based only on emotion and the rightthen as much as i'm prone to. i wish i wasn't the one to say "i love you" first, always almost when i do in fact love the person, and just. other aspects hanging there too...
i don't want to need anybody. not my sister or a boy or a friend 6000 miles away or. or anybody. maybe i'm just angry at myself, resentful at my social weaknesses. <--lame pseudopsych or therapygroupselfhelp speak, but maybe true somehow.
what was i saying before? oh yeah. the bit about rushing headlong into things--it's not just that either, the humiliation/discomforting power imbalance part of it either. it's a problem for practicality too...on most occasions in retrospect i find it would have been much better to wait it out, as once my eyes clear i can see that i make a far better distant-friend type then a let's-be-in-love type. it just does not work in the second way. it never does; it always falls flat. i don't know that i've ever had a successful "romantic," romantic in the conventional (but young-urbanite type--you know, hot dogs on piers and road trips complete with soda-sticky maps and swapping shoes walking home from the bar way) and comforting sense (but not so far as say, the tea cozy warm fuzzy sense; that's totally pushing it!). something inside me lets me know i can't do it; something along the way confirmed and confirmed it over and over again. not stunted or traumatized or hindered social development so much as the flowering of an asocial seed there to begin with, perhaps. i have my suspicions...
and you know, i just assumed when i was younger that to be insulted in terms of whether one is an intelligent individual would always be far far worse and utterly more painful than something as trifling (i thought, at the time...seemed to me) as being insulted as, say, a "woman." god, even writing that out, that terminology, makes me feel stupid.
and i was wrong. or maybe i'm just getting older and my insides are becoming mushier. who knows, i do do i.
(is it really supposed to be like this?)
...
and sometimes i wish i didn't rush headlong into things based only on emotion and the rightthen as much as i'm prone to. i wish i wasn't the one to say "i love you" first, always almost when i do in fact love the person, and just. other aspects hanging there too...
i don't want to need anybody. not my sister or a boy or a friend 6000 miles away or. or anybody. maybe i'm just angry at myself, resentful at my social weaknesses. <--lame pseudopsych or therapygroupselfhelp speak, but maybe true somehow.
what was i saying before? oh yeah. the bit about rushing headlong into things--it's not just that either, the humiliation/discomforting power imbalance part of it either. it's a problem for practicality too...on most occasions in retrospect i find it would have been much better to wait it out, as once my eyes clear i can see that i make a far better distant-friend type then a let's-be-in-love type. it just does not work in the second way. it never does; it always falls flat. i don't know that i've ever had a successful "romantic," romantic in the conventional (but young-urbanite type--you know, hot dogs on piers and road trips complete with soda-sticky maps and swapping shoes walking home from the bar way) and comforting sense (but not so far as say, the tea cozy warm fuzzy sense; that's totally pushing it!). something inside me lets me know i can't do it; something along the way confirmed and confirmed it over and over again. not stunted or traumatized or hindered social development so much as the flowering of an asocial seed there to begin with, perhaps. i have my suspicions...
and you know, i just assumed when i was younger that to be insulted in terms of whether one is an intelligent individual would always be far far worse and utterly more painful than something as trifling (i thought, at the time...seemed to me) as being insulted as, say, a "woman." god, even writing that out, that terminology, makes me feel stupid.
and i was wrong. or maybe i'm just getting older and my insides are becoming mushier. who knows, i do do i.