i had a really wonderful birthday, perhaps more so for the fact i was pretty much dreading it (i can't stand my birthday--not because i'm hung up on getting older in a cosmetic sense, but they just make me feel down and regretful and unworthy and...yeah. to me my birthday is just ugly overhype). my family was really great. i don't know why, but they actually gave me that miyazaki 3-pack i've been dreaming over. they didn't need to do that, at all (i consider my present to be the trip to memphis, and just that they're supportive of me even when i'm a downer/mess). but michelle and i have already begun enjoying them (we watched castle in the sky last night, mm), and tonight we plan on introducing my parents to miyazaki over supper. yay.

we went to the microbrewery and i sampled some really great beer. i liked every one i tried, yum. i joked that dad's going to turn me into a beer snob. we also had lots of good food. mom bought an ice cream cake but we were all too full to eat it, so tonight, maybe...

(and yes, i realize to many it will seem freakish that i spent my 21st with my family. oh well. i'm totally fine with it; hopefully others will understand it.)

prior to all of this, michelle and i drove around town to rain and mix tapes. my favorite seemsanidle thing to do, i think. oh. and somehow we ended up at a bookstore and i found a bunch of mishima i didn't yet own for under 10 bucks total. also, ulysses because jeez, how can i consider myself a lit fan at all if i don't even own that yet. that's fixed now. can't wait to go back to it.

all in all it was a splendid and not at all daunting day, and i'm just happy everyone, michelle too, was kind to me. i don't deserve that, but i'm so glad they could afford it yesterday. it makes all the difference. a word a look a gesture of. an offering. yes.

last night i heard ghosts in the wall as i was trying to get to sleep...


today is more rain (but i don't mind it!) and stress over standardized tests. i'm so rusty outofshape don'tknowwhatthefucktoexpect. i feel like i'm just walking in without any armor. paul newman.

i wish i could talk to you...