the saddest part for me right now is that on occasion you mention i am too thorny to approach; you mention sometimes you are afraid to ask me questions or even appear curious about my day. i don't want that, i don't want to be that girl. i wish i was as open a person as you are to me. it will take getting acquainted with, getting used to the notion. i don't mean to turn you away.

i feel like--and this is going to seem creepy possibly, as i'm only 20 and the number of major relationships i've had i can count on one hand--this is the best thing i can work on, personally, in my life. there will always be work and searching and intrigue of course. and strangeness elsewhere. but. i don't feel it's wrong for me to want to nestle in with you and try to make things better instead of just walking away or calling for isolation. i don't want selfish relationships. i know that sounds naive but. i do believe now, i do, there can be chances in one's life, through relationships with rare people, to make yourself a better person and. i want to be a good person, for both of us. (now it just sounds nina simone like. whoops.)

i'll try to make this make more sense later, i guess. but, i want to be good. that's really all there is to it. and it sounds dumb but really, it's a fairly novel thing for young me i think.

when i can't sleep i compose love letters in my head.