maybe it was that i could never quite get over how matter of fact you were, concerning your stature, your status as an artist...i could never be matter of fact. a kind of marriage i knew i couldn't be confident about through engagement...i felt somehow i could never be perfectly enough. or able. or deserving? i'm not sure the word...but i was always, will always be unsure about my "right" to a name, a title like that. holy and things. or perhaps just my foolishness, or cowardice...i'm not doing it, making it, getting wet or muddy with it. but it's so hard to overcome the awkwardness, the uneasy feeling i'm a dork talking to a far too pretty girl. art wouldn't have me...that sort of thing.

complexes. (smiling)