tiny and bright. shiny squeaky.
so there's this one boy whose journal i read and he totes a camera around rochester and he's smart enough to not need explicit affirmation and...i just noticed, reading some more of his comments and words in other journals, and in his own...that a certain quality in him reminds me of what i wanted to be like, and still usually would like best. i admire it, a lot, and it's such an invisible, cloaked, anonymous trait. when he has a response to someone else's statement that is in disagreement or that is an improvement on the original (often very simplistic) view, he'll maybe make a peep about it. but the moment his insight, his instinctive yet somehow drawnout response is met with the slightest indignation or confrontation, he rushes to something important: he lets it go, in a way the other person won't even realize, and tells them something along the lines of, "well, i hope you are well" or "good day" etc. and well. i love that. a lot. because. because.
adam was right and still is, to an extent. about, . ...he said one time very early on, at night, something like, "sometimes i don't see the point in arguing with someone else, because it puts you on perfectly levelled, cleared and equal/exact/andidentical terms, even if you're right." it's not so much apathy as a realization, a thought-out one. and sure, most will say that's a big fucking cop-out and it's just condescension and pretension--almost like, "oh, my debating opponents aren't worth wasting my brain cells on in argument." but it's not. it doesn't have to be like that, and i think for some rare ones, or ones who slip by unnoticed...it's more. "why do i need to convince you, or even open my whole insides to you on an issue i've steamed insight about, trying and trying to grasp and curdling and oh...why do i need to do that, every time? i don't." it's like pick your battles, but it's pick your practicallyfuckingspiritualrevelationvia
and anyway. what really kicks me inside, to add to that, with this person is. is the final bit. the wishing well, or a form of good will or consideration. because that's another branch of it...i think of how one starts to realize when it's not about convincing people you can see what illuminates them, or drives them, or makes them human, and something like you and yet unique too. strangers, these are. and yet!
and that sort of understanding or awareness, that everyday sosubtlehedoesn'tevennoticehimself sort of compassion is what keeps the world i drew in my head going full tilt.
it's the little things. those vast little things.
(there's so much more to this, i can't get my hands any deeper in the mud tonight, at least, not with any fruitful results...i'll try not to dingy up myself with the wild motions of hand and fingers (in my attempt to convey or draw out or upon i just makes things more incomprehensible) so much, later, perhaps. :)
and this person, he is splendid.
and i just wanted to tell you, notebook. you see.
adam was right and still is, to an extent. about, . ...he said one time very early on, at night, something like, "sometimes i don't see the point in arguing with someone else, because it puts you on perfectly levelled, cleared and equal/exact/andidentical terms, even if you're right." it's not so much apathy as a realization, a thought-out one. and sure, most will say that's a big fucking cop-out and it's just condescension and pretension--almost like, "oh, my debating opponents aren't worth wasting my brain cells on in argument." but it's not. it doesn't have to be like that, and i think for some rare ones, or ones who slip by unnoticed...it's more. "why do i need to convince you, or even open my whole insides to you on an issue i've steamed insight about, trying and trying to grasp and curdling and oh...why do i need to do that, every time? i don't." it's like pick your battles, but it's pick your practicallyfuckingspiritualrevelationvia
and anyway. what really kicks me inside, to add to that, with this person is. is the final bit. the wishing well, or a form of good will or consideration. because that's another branch of it...i think of how one starts to realize when it's not about convincing people you can see what illuminates them, or drives them, or makes them human, and something like you and yet unique too. strangers, these are. and yet!
and that sort of understanding or awareness, that everyday sosubtlehedoesn'tevennoticehimself sort of compassion is what keeps the world i drew in my head going full tilt.
it's the little things. those vast little things.
(there's so much more to this, i can't get my hands any deeper in the mud tonight, at least, not with any fruitful results...i'll try not to dingy up myself with the wild motions of hand and fingers (in my attempt to convey or draw out or upon i just makes things more incomprehensible) so much, later, perhaps. :)
and this person, he is splendid.
and i just wanted to tell you, notebook. you see.