kindness in spades, in tissue
just things that slammed me in the gut, or picked at me gently but. also over time--clawingly. in a good way, perhaps. and most of the kindness is unwarranted and just plain untrue, but i think the intent behind the words is what i need to remember when i feel--hm. like pebbles in the way. i love person.s
so i'm making a box of words for things. for slim days when i want to hide away. (i'll probably add stones to it as i go.) i can take these out any.day
and hold them gingerly between my fingers.
(i know maybe it doesn't mean anything to anyone else, and for that part, i'm sorry)
but an ugly part of me maybe wishes to keep in mind.
and oh always
thank you, and more too.
bryce: "yay! thanks for writing. i really appreciate it."
mr cermak: "who could not like mary beth?"
julia, a long time ago, i think we were on the phone: "i don't see how a person who knew you, really got to know you, could not love you."
chelsea: "i think maybe you're my adam."
xiola, in response to "a question you have": "what nurtured you to be so beautiful? (of course it was you....)"
justin: "you make me feel holy."
justin: "i don't see how i could not love you."
rob: "please bother me again in the future."
adam: "i imagine i've found you some times."
rob: "you don't have to shut your bitch ass up. :-)"
bryce: "Triggered by someone mentioning Bill Hicks in reply to a journal. On Kawara (an artist) said something in an interview about how often writers kill themselves and visual artists don't, that words are dangerous. THEY ARE. And I'm going to jump off a building; also, I'm sick of metaphors or I need some new ones."
bryce: "I really, really apologize for being crazy."
aaron: "The stars, they burn within your gaze. And for this, I thank you."
claire: "and i read her entries. and every one makes me want to cry. just they make me cringe with the amount of feeling in them. in every word. are you that sad? does this world hurt you just too much? you are beautiful. and you say you can't take that from people. compliments. but you are beautiful. and you amaze me.and you are so sad. it seems. and you are hurting him who i love so much. i love him. do you see. i am in love with him he is in me. in my soul. he is part of me. the rest of me forever. and he is hurting . because of her . who is a beauiful friend i believe. i don't know though, like i said. im not involved. this is not my problem. i am not involved in it. and should not be. but he is in me. he hurts. so i hurt for him. and i hope neither one of you read this but i had to write it to decide how i was feeling."
chelsea: "so you're okay now? you're not allowed to scare the shit out of me; i tend to look down on that practice. i want you to be not bad. or something."
bryce: "if you really find me interesting i appreciate it. that's great! because i want to be on a level with you and i don't want to praise you to the sky nor you me. yeah, i don't know you, you don't know me, so it's not a one-way thing. there is, you know, the potential that i'd stop being interesting, but if it hasn't happened yet i'm not going to accelerate it."
joshua: "how are you?"
bryce: "I think I'm in love with the world now and I wasn't really before, and instead of telling the world
I'm telling you now. But I don't know what to do and I'm just so confused, and I know you can't say anything that will make it easier."
aaron: "and i guess we've talked since you sent that last message, although the actual conversation wasn't on the best topic in the world. and it was a little bit of a downer. you know. maybe we can talk again, later, stay up until dawn and talk about things like love and ice cream and watch the sun come up. (there's that ice cream thing again. i just can't stay away, i don't think. not that that's a bad thing. "eee!")"
allison jennifer: "i don't have anything to say. i never have anything to say anymore... but i wondered if you were okay. i wanted to know if you were. now, i do not think so well of myself to think that there is any way i could help if you weren't okay or even really understand if you were... but still... i hope you are. i want to know if you are... but, most of all... i just hope you are."
bryce: "anyway, just... don't worry about me being bored with you or something. i keep coming back when i tell myself i don't want to. i don't want to flatter you, i don't want to make you think i'm interested if i'm not, but i really am ... really what it was - i was being selfish and whiny and waiting to see if you would notice; i was trying to get attention by not drawing it. so there, and i feel bad about it. i'm sorry."
aaron: "so. miss m. how've you been spending your days?"
bryce: "I'm tired of everybody saying how great you are, because I (and they) already know."
emily: "hey mary beth, i just wanted to see how you're doing...i'm reading Concluding Unscientific Postscript by Kierkegaard right now. and savoring it. and Brothers Karamazov, which is keeping me up late every night. but mostly, i've been thinking about you. so, yeah. that's all."
aaron: "her name was julie."
bryce: "hey, look, i um... i'm writing like i talk because i want to say how i feel and not write it. i wrote a poem some weeks ago about what you just described in your journal. it was a dumb poem but i guess i wanted to bring it to your attention for some reason. i'm still not away, ok?"
m (12:34 AM): hell, we can use lifesavers as rings
m (12:35 AM): (just playing)
j: Ow. My fingers are too big for that. :)
justin: "Everything you write reads perfect. I think you have a talent for music that you just haven't accessed."
so i'm making a box of words for things. for slim days when i want to hide away. (i'll probably add stones to it as i go.) i can take these out any.day
and hold them gingerly between my fingers.
(i know maybe it doesn't mean anything to anyone else, and for that part, i'm sorry)
but an ugly part of me maybe wishes to keep in mind.
and oh always
thank you, and more too.
bryce: "yay! thanks for writing. i really appreciate it."
mr cermak: "who could not like mary beth?"
julia, a long time ago, i think we were on the phone: "i don't see how a person who knew you, really got to know you, could not love you."
chelsea: "i think maybe you're my adam."
xiola, in response to "a question you have": "what nurtured you to be so beautiful? (of course it was you....)"
justin: "you make me feel holy."
justin: "i don't see how i could not love you."
rob: "please bother me again in the future."
adam: "i imagine i've found you some times."
rob: "you don't have to shut your bitch ass up. :-)"
bryce: "Triggered by someone mentioning Bill Hicks in reply to a journal. On Kawara (an artist) said something in an interview about how often writers kill themselves and visual artists don't, that words are dangerous. THEY ARE. And I'm going to jump off a building; also, I'm sick of metaphors or I need some new ones."
bryce: "I really, really apologize for being crazy."
aaron: "The stars, they burn within your gaze. And for this, I thank you."
claire: "and i read her entries. and every one makes me want to cry. just they make me cringe with the amount of feeling in them. in every word. are you that sad? does this world hurt you just too much? you are beautiful. and you say you can't take that from people. compliments. but you are beautiful. and you amaze me.and you are so sad. it seems. and you are hurting him who i love so much. i love him. do you see. i am in love with him he is in me. in my soul. he is part of me. the rest of me forever. and he is hurting . because of her . who is a beauiful friend i believe. i don't know though, like i said. im not involved. this is not my problem. i am not involved in it. and should not be. but he is in me. he hurts. so i hurt for him. and i hope neither one of you read this but i had to write it to decide how i was feeling."
chelsea: "so you're okay now? you're not allowed to scare the shit out of me; i tend to look down on that practice. i want you to be not bad. or something."
bryce: "if you really find me interesting i appreciate it. that's great! because i want to be on a level with you and i don't want to praise you to the sky nor you me. yeah, i don't know you, you don't know me, so it's not a one-way thing. there is, you know, the potential that i'd stop being interesting, but if it hasn't happened yet i'm not going to accelerate it."
joshua: "how are you?"
bryce: "I think I'm in love with the world now and I wasn't really before, and instead of telling the world
I'm telling you now. But I don't know what to do and I'm just so confused, and I know you can't say anything that will make it easier."
aaron: "and i guess we've talked since you sent that last message, although the actual conversation wasn't on the best topic in the world. and it was a little bit of a downer. you know. maybe we can talk again, later, stay up until dawn and talk about things like love and ice cream and watch the sun come up. (there's that ice cream thing again. i just can't stay away, i don't think. not that that's a bad thing. "eee!")"
bryce: "anyway, just... don't worry about me being bored with you or something. i keep coming back when i tell myself i don't want to. i don't want to flatter you, i don't want to make you think i'm interested if i'm not, but i really am ... really what it was - i was being selfish and whiny and waiting to see if you would notice; i was trying to get attention by not drawing it. so there, and i feel bad about it. i'm sorry."
aaron: "so. miss m. how've you been spending your days?"
bryce: "I'm tired of everybody saying how great you are, because I (and they) already know."
emily: "hey mary beth, i just wanted to see how you're doing...i'm reading Concluding Unscientific Postscript by Kierkegaard right now. and savoring it. and Brothers Karamazov, which is keeping me up late every night. but mostly, i've been thinking about you. so, yeah. that's all."
aaron: "her name was julie."
bryce: "hey, look, i um... i'm writing like i talk because i want to say how i feel and not write it. i wrote a poem some weeks ago about what you just described in your journal. it was a dumb poem but i guess i wanted to bring it to your attention for some reason. i'm still not away, ok?"
m (12:34 AM): hell, we can use lifesavers as rings
m (12:35 AM): (just playing)
j: Ow. My fingers are too big for that. :)
justin: "Everything you write reads perfect. I think you have a talent for music that you just haven't accessed."