very . disturbed maybe, even.
okay this is probably going to sound ludicrous or annoying but i have to write this for my sake. you know that professor i admire so much, the man i suspected was brilliant? well, from lectures and conversations i still think that, or i did, only now i'm not so sure. we just got our papers back, not five minutes ago, and i was so scared. you don't know. terrified. because i know that paper was complete garbage; the idea was perhaps on the mark (maybe) but i didn't have the proper research to make it worth anything. seriously. i am not being self-aggrandizing; it's just the truth. the paper sucked. also, i didn't finish the final form of it until right after a 12-hr marathon conversation, which i am not at all sorry i had, i just assumed i'd pay for the worth of that event via a poor grade. but. okay. i'm on my way up to the room, and i'm in the elevator, and i hold my breath and i hate myself for looking but i have to look, i have to see...anything could be, i'm frightened there may not even BE A GRADE, just some comment to the point of "this paper is a piece of shit, i refuse to grade bullshit. zero." or something. perhaps an f. or maybe a d, a c if i'm lucky and he's underestimating what underclassmen can do. but. shit. if i'm reading this properly it says "95." but you have to believe me, there's no way that's possible. god.
i know i sound like a whiny goody goody but i swear it, this sort of extreme miscalculation and confusion hasn't really ever happened before. teachers usually call me on it when i'm not working to anywhere near a potential, as well they should. that's why they teach, presumably. usually in high school it was gentle nudges, and even around this time of year (i seem to go insane/lose it/fall apart around the turn of the year, it's a habit i'm trying to break). but this. i'm even. flabbergasted. it makes me want to run to his office and say "tell me what this number is, before the 5" because it can't be. i have to have. simple upside dyslexia or. oh. i can't even express how . i am.
and if this really is this crazy, does it make me wonder where his brilliance went when he graded this? i can't believe he'd just let it slide. god. i'm so confused.
you needn't respond to this, anyone; i'm just reacting. and reacting.
i know i sound like a whiny goody goody but i swear it, this sort of extreme miscalculation and confusion hasn't really ever happened before. teachers usually call me on it when i'm not working to anywhere near a potential, as well they should. that's why they teach, presumably. usually in high school it was gentle nudges, and even around this time of year (i seem to go insane/lose it/fall apart around the turn of the year, it's a habit i'm trying to break). but this. i'm even. flabbergasted. it makes me want to run to his office and say "tell me what this number is, before the 5" because it can't be. i have to have. simple upside dyslexia or. oh. i can't even express how . i am.
and if this really is this crazy, does it make me wonder where his brilliance went when he graded this? i can't believe he'd just let it slide. god. i'm so confused.
you needn't respond to this, anyone; i'm just reacting. and reacting.