i feel like. not a real person. (lately, at least)

she said, you say that about every boy you fall in love with. for all i know this is even a rebound sort of thing you have.

but, this is different. (sigh, i anticipate your smirk back at me). it feels like. we're, hmm...equals is the best english term i can think of. we're not "the same," mind you, but...we fit. it's not -- with youknowwho and others too, i always felt amazed but i wanted to not bother them. i knew i was a bother, the usual "i am enthralled by you but you couldn't care less about me, it's just a fact we live with, both of us, for the duration of this" sort of pact. i don't feel that way right now. as if i somehow. sense he's listening as hard as i am listening. i'm not the only one happy here.

with them, i learned all sorts of things, even many harsh lessons. but it wasn't comfortable, as you know, and i am always so awkward. but it's alright, here. it's alright. patient, maybe he is.

he could be just like those.

i suppose the skeptic in me, and the little armor i've managed to create for myself, they admit you could be right. but i can almost feel the pads of my feet reaching some sort of place of odd trust. a distinction i don't really believe in, so how could it be. i almost trust what might happen. i almost let myself forget about those consequences. maybe it is worth that, despite whatever happens. maybe. i won't claim certainty.

i'm still enthralled like with others but. i feel like we could share a lot with each other, and get a lot out of that, both of us. it was pretty one-sided before, wasn't it? s'why i always feel like such a freaking leech. i want there to be some mutual respect and warmth. and i think there is, that.

more later on miss. it was a good conversation. i almost lean to being real again.