always wonder (hint: it's embarrassing in how poorly written it is, all very teenage, ah)

i know. i know. just ignore it. pretty - please.

/

so he said, Um, I'm not making you uncomfortable am I?

how can he not know by now how i feel about him? don't you know yet how beautiful you are? i just can't believe. i miss you. you know...right?

and i feel sometimes like we've tumbled onto some sort of grace i won't be able to explain. so the only way we'll be able to communicate is, to just, have mutual responses to certain moments. sharing in the most direct, immediate sense. as in, we won't need words or expressions if we both instinctively feel we're both in the same place. which sometimes, i feel we are. and it's strange to me, and sad and bright. i am upset in moments at the need and very gentle response. like the sky has opened up and gobbled everything save the orbiting chess pieces. a channeled peace. very gentle, very soft around the corners. a collision of sorts. something i don't fully understand, so i just go

and hope you'll hold my hand until we hop off the ride.

and i don't know what's leaving
or what's lifting off
and it's not blank expanse or the specific heartbreaking beauty of, say, a windy field or of sepia spackled dust, but...it's something different. different. i feel filled in, like a coloring book figure whose frame is so bluntly outlined, and whose interior is so smooth and empty. i don't know how to decipher the marks i have within now, though.

i have a waxy, colored heart now, and
a construction-wall-papered room for my head and the hum of pipes hasn't left me yet

and so now i'm a wide eyed one