things perhaps he doesn't know

my favorite one is “cacophony,” and i think he is made of magic things

i used to dream about drowning a lot. urm...every night i could remember at all, that was the focus. but. for some reason i don’t understand, i’ve stopped.

i’m scared and shyer than i’ve been in ages, because i don’t want to mess up.

i like that i don’t have to be “strange mysterious ‘smart’ mary beth” around him. we’re just goofy and make faces at each other. i need that. more than i’ll admit to anybody else.

i hope someday he shows me how to fix something, like...having to do with a car, even. i just do.

i wonder how he gives kayla a bath; how she squirms, and things. soap and carpet mess. it’s something i want to witness.

i wonder if he eats cereal, and if so, what kind.

i loved that one about how he linked arms with someone age ten and waited to see if they’d notice, and that he thought it was funny “even if it did get [him] branded as gay for the rest of the year.”

i need to, at some point (but i can wait) hear his voice in person.

i find it muscle twinge inducing that he’s referred to himself as effeminate when i’ve always lamented being a boyish girl.

we both like the word “picture,” i believe.

he probably has better/softer eyelashes, surface, and hips than i do.

i found it humorous when he imagined that i might smell “clean, even when sweaty.” i wish.

i’m curious how he handles time. also if he wears a watch.

i want him to have lots of fulfilling, amazing people and incidents and relationships coloring his days. so he can smile in a purely selfish way, too. purely for himself, s'what i mean...

i remember the note of paris and kisses. also a memory of new orleans. i wonder, along with other bits...

i wonder what his “grrr” really sounds like. i’ll probably laugh/smile.

coke or pepsi, dear? or no...hm. tea, right.

does he regularly shower at night or in the morning?

i still have a split heart from the story about her, how she kept a pebble there...

i hate my legs. it’s trivial, but true. they’re very short and just ick.

i wonder if he’s ever visited baltimore.

i think of his father and his father’s family sometimes. i draw links and chains in my head to sort things out. i don’t know.

i question the word “appropriate” now.

i have never seen velvet goldmine (!). i guess it’s now homework. :)

i actually do want to know everything. you were, eventually, right there. about that statement in general--and secretly at that time, when i was still locked in a bit, i still found such an open statement a bit ridiculous. such a sweeping one. i doubted if you knew what you meant or what you were giving, by saying that. so i tried not to think about it. but. but.

//

i’m acquiring certain tiny habits. (shrug)(g)ing, for one.

you said aphex twin. i need to dig a bit deeper; i forget.

i love swapping.

i have no idea where you like to be kissed.

i wonder when you began smoking. just my curiosity, again.

and if there are theme parks you went to as a small kid, and your impressions at the time (fear? nausea? exhilaration?).

i wonder how you met aaron.

curious as to how you walked away from that previous job...

i often think perhaps his meaning for "healing" is different than mine. and as long as i know that i understand slightly better.

feeling like a Bad Person for not responding to your emails. i do know you miss them, you said so but i had this--feeling beforehand, and i noticed the gap where i used to write and just spill words on you in an illogical fashion. and how you didn’t mind. :) i need to try, dear.

i’m scared of what tears you apart. and i’m used to seeing you warm, and i always want to know this, if only in memory.

one of the first times we began conversation, you sent me a song with words. then you gave me the words “in case [i] c[ould]n’t make them out.” i promptly pasted them into a text file; i still have it and, um, “our screens are fading.” :) also, favorite words. plume.

a thought of virtual double chins. and giggling.

and...

maybe i’ll never erase from my brain that you told me early one what you use to shave with, and that you don’t even mind shaving. cause i found that so weird. :) in a good way.

that’s it, at least for now. sorry every one else for my sappiness but, you knew already what a drip i really am. unabashed, even.