i keep thinking back on my favorite scene from the tree of life, where the boy sneaks into the neighbor's house, all the wood and sunlight in the upstairs bedroom and the way he lays the slip out on the bed and then runs fast away to the river. a lost and found sense memory of similar afternoons upstairs in my parents' closet, folding slips, the way it felt catholic, and separately the way everything gets colored differently after you find out about such things. which brings me back to my absolute favorite part of freaks and geeks when sam and his friends watch the porno after school and more importantly, the day after, their reaction. the way nothing will ever be the same after that, like the scene with sam's mom at the kitchen table where he realizes the world will never look the same, it's all colored, even his mom's love for him--trying to experience something familiar and simple like that and realizing it'll never look or feel the way it did before, as if someone put a permanent colored transparency over it. like sensing too late the kick from the prow of a boat as you head off to sea, that you won't be able to get back. the fear at first, and then the growing sullenness. what have i done.