what could have been shared still lingers that way
her end.
hey.
i've been saying somewhere between seven and eight.
i thought it was really late, and was quite confused when i looked at the clock.
i have hot chocolate. the kind that sue gave me for my birthday.
the marshmallows were gone in one spoonful.
good.
anytime, or any time, i don't know.
yes, i told my uncle that you drooled on me. but not really. it's a goofd thing.
oh, dear.
i believe that, officially, :Q is smoking, but it could be a lazy tongue as well.
yeah, open-mouthed smile.
glee.
of course, my Q is all curly. it's a bent cigarette.
oh, lord, i was there for hours last night.
stinky meat and, after that, stinky feet. the meat one was truely repulsive.
a cronicle of what happens when a plate of meat sits in your neighbors yard for nineteen days.
yes. i gagged repeatedly. and the meat guy actually had to take close up photographs.
the feet guy was kinder cute, so it weren't all that bad.
he goes to harvard. how sad.
he purposely contracted athlete's foot, but no description could do it justice.
:b <--- apparently a small tongue.
ookay.
yes.
oh, good.
i'm sure.
i'm so terrinly embarassed by my theme, that i had to hide it wednesday night.
the kitty one is my mom's.
sorry, no.
bj!
nonoo. even worse--bad video game.
ff7, which isn't bad in itself, but the theme is awful.
orange!
who?
yah... i'm currently looking for the guitar part of 'ode to joy'.
head tilted in puppy dog fashion.
nifty things.
i was seriously threatened this afternoon by a fourteen year old miniature pincher named 'angel.
but a dachsund puppy licked my hand, so it was okay.
i fed a hell of a lot of chicadees today. we were at the frogpond, and i have a great fondness for birds (no, really?). when i finally ran out of bread, i started throwing garbonzo beans. i've never liked them.
"mamma.com: the mother of all search engines."
indeed.
my mother loves them.
what exactly are you talking about.
"celebrity deatmatch?"
sigh...
again, head tilt.
hm....
i'm sure.
oh, dear.
too late. impossible.
i've hated you too much to ever stop loving you.
that hasn't got much to do with it. you're growing into yourself phase just happenend to annoy the piss out of me.
but this was a great while ago. i'm not so sure. i know you're not done, but, don't know, you take getitng used to.
understandable. but puberty wasn't pleasant.
yah, sure.
hum. 'supposed.'
i just meant that i get all of the nastiness over early.
i feel placid. like i've gone throught the time of reckoning.
i haven't been really upset since last winter.
i don't know about that.
i feel fiercely about you. just not angry. and i can be all ferocious.
indeed.
for me anyway, you've had a fairly long mess-free stretch.
you do it your way. and you figure it out eventually, i'm sure. if you can see it.
they shouldn't be..
i wish you wouldn't fall.
but that's me.
yeah.
i never know what to say. and i feel lile a secondary character in some goofy novel.
not always, but, hey, now.
no, the book wouldn't be about me, but i'd be narrating it. ah.
no.
i know that, but that just happens, and more and more, i sit by myself.
with bendy straws.
green.
the neighbors are having a party. it's saturday night.
oh, i thought you said something else,
sometimes, i guess, but sometimes it's forced.
last night, after forcing myslef into dressing up, we drove to the "dinner party" and i just clenched my teeth and hated having to go. i had a pleasant time, but it's hard to get started, i'm out of practice.
i've been the social leader for so long, five years now, that it's hard having the position taken away. i even catch myself trying to maintain a low profile. that's new and different.
it's that i'm stubborn, and i don't feel like getting into the same self-pitying arguement, not that you'd argue, but, regardless. agh.
i lost it myself. i'm a bigger jerk on occasion than i thought myslef to be.
i don't realize it, but i take up space, and i've obviously been hurful.
know i feel like an aging starlet. hah.
i'll be wearing black sequens and tasteful shoes. only when i'm feeling cranky, or drunk (talking too loud, again). mostly, i'd hide and wait for lifetime achievement awards.
they'd be very broad, and i'd be statuesque, and very grand and dignified.
i'd have grandchildren grow up to become pop musicians, and people would, oh, lord, without. i won't need them.
but i'll be slightly mannish. just in a stocky way.
and i'd wear bright eyeshadow, because noone tells me i look silly, they'll give me that much. i'll have short, curled, silver hair.
pearls. of course.
i like my great grandmother's fake pearls.
she was poor, they're cheap, but her name was pearl, and they're lovely.
i can play the opening bars of our nation's anthem on my guitar. badly, but recognisable.
"it's 12:00 and i'm standing here in your yard, i sold my computer for a used accoustic guitar"
indeed. i didn't have such luck with the harmonica.
i'm a whore to technology, god bless me.
proud of it.
i have bubble paper.
mine is the big kind.
yes, so satisfying...
hang on, must pee.
oh, yeah.
oh?
then sleep.
'tis good for you.
i've always hated night clothes. the only thing i won't kick off is bike shorts and a sports bra. it has to be tight or it freaks me out.
i guess.
underwear is a recently developed habit for me. i started thinking it was cool to walk around in, with a big teeshirt, and that was it. i fell in love.
the guitar is out of the bag.
and 'stars' is real hard. and too loud for my poor li'l accoustic.
i'm not sure, yet, but i'm thinking about emmy lou, b.b., and oh, i don't know, i'm still thinking. i'll know when i know. i'm sure it will come to me when we're better acquainted.
handel?
hm..
strauss?
teehee, i'm sure.
but too cool.
i'd wear a blue bandana.
this doesn't sound like ode to joy, oh, dear.
no, especially not if this is the wrong song. sigh. i need something to practice.
and i'll have to learn in front of the computer, anyway.
ack! i would if i could find it. it would be awful slow. oh, i just remembered that i'm still connected. hah.
i forgot i was online.
yes, i've noted that. that's why i actually said hi insteasd of thinking you were actually away.
yeah... today i got, um... "you must see this," and then a message from "i love cyber sex." nooo.
um, yes.
hm.
i'll take your word for it.
know any good indie resources?
yeah.
okay.
snork.
yeah.
i'm sure.
no, i do.
i really was sure, though.
oh...
ooh, this is awful fast for me, i was all excited.
winamp. yadada.
okay.
i have and nine minute mix of tainted love with some funky supreme's song attached to the end. it's my coolest.
but it's the guy from soft cell singing, i was so in love. i don't know what he looks like, but he sounds pretty.
yeahyah.
:), but not quite that sly.
young men named ira must be wonderful.
oh...
" "
" "
good...
"huh?"
ah. yes, fot. um.
i don't think about that very often, i don't have a handy response prepared.
i need to feel protected, by someone.
safety is something i can fall for so easily.
which is a trifle odd, but heck.
i need to feel special, or individual; i hate being lumped together.
i need to feel necessary. i can live without that, but not for very long. fifth wheel isn't pleasant. i can just sit and watch sometimes, and feel like a presence.
i used to think i needed to be included, but the excluded are their own group, so there are wayts to worl around that.
but anyway, it's easy to give up, and wehen i try to feel like i exist, and i don't achieve the expected response, it can be crushing.
i'm not allowed to listen to these yet? obviously not... i think. hum.
it's big.
oh, yes.
does hum still exist?
if she remembers, i'm sure she will.
wow.
oh, fotuna..
that's good , too.
why would that be?
i'm sure you need it too...
hmm...
i have no ideda.
homemade music is lovely.
ooh.
i'm sure.
teehee, last winter, some hacker gave godhatesfags.com to godlovesfags.com with hilarious consequences.
oh, yes.
routed all of its traffic to the other site.
it was veeery good.
i don't know. if they don't, it's probably just because they're distracted.
in their hearyts of hearts.
recall that you is different from me.
no, they like you, dear. they detest me, and have for a year, at least. i don't hate chris, he just thinks i do, i don't like him, but, to my mind, he isn't worth the effort, and, no, peter and dave don't like me either.
or they're just being loyal.
i know that hes's discussed any problem we ever had openly woihth chris. i don't want to hear about things like that from chris.
but it makes me nauseous, because he won't tell me why he's upset.
and it's been so fucking long, that i don't kow why he doesn't get over it.
even i've moved on.
yeah, it just took ages. and it gets aggravated when he randomly treats me like crap.
but i don't hate him.
i don't get him.
i've tried.
and he let me in for a while; that's what i think the problem is.
hm.
boys with shells.
/
mine, i think.
hi
what time is your party?
hm okay
yes, me too...i feel tired
and i slept all day, too
tired stiill...sigh
ah well
mmmmm
i want some...i'm gonna go make some when we're done talking
thanks for holding me last night
i needed a good holding
:(
:(.....
:Q....
that's more authentic, i guess
i don't actually know what each face means, i just go by what they look like to me
someone told me this
:D
was laughing really hard
i didn't know that; i thought he just looked really happy
oh no smoking for me
"ask jesus to jesusify a web page"
at thespark.com
oooh
with a big scary holder
why?
tests?
ewww
:P
my sister just walked in from work, and she says "well at least nobody expects me to kiss their ass."
baby tongue
my mother told me this
and martin donovan is now gracing the desktop of my imac
:D
he's a beautiful thing
what's yours?
kinky sex, right
(look)
or maybe barney
baby bop
spice girls
wow, that's gotta be bad
which one?
lol
now that they're big stars, her face is everywhere
newsweek and time and spin and such
"the pretty girl."
i dunno.
:P
starts with a
oooh...i'll be right back hold on please and say nifty things while i check to see if the iron chef loses this time
garbonzo beans are icky
i'm chewing nails waiting for the decision
the challenger better kick his ass
this show jeff got me into
tee hee
rahw
RAHWR
grrrrrrrrr
it's this bizarre bizarre cooking show
like celebrity death match if it was taking place in japan, and the dubbing was reeeeally funny (goes without saying), and its emphasis on food was so much so that it was a bit frightening
there's a "kitchen stadium"
and the whole thing to fulfill the sponsor man's "Dream"
it's great
great fun
but rigged grr
you know, one day you're going to fall out of love with me
and i will cry a lot
why, 'cause, everyone who does does
'cause i'm me and i'm like that
um...i guess that should be comforting somehow, but somehow it isn't
sigh
i like to whine to people who shouldn't take it from me
when was that, i forget again
well, i am most interested in growing. above everything else.
really.
um, poke poke, puberty hasn't even hardly started for this girl here
shh it's a secret
no really
really late
but aside from all of that ugliness, it's just. i know i'm not supposed to feel comfortable in love with anyone.
and, gosh, that's hard you know
it's all bated breath and swearing
and i don't think it comes easy
"caroline's supposed demon."
??
but it comes again, i think. i'm sure.
and besides, who wants that if it means
if it means not even feeling anything
that's it, it's not even feeling anything
or its all of this violence in feeling that drives people insane
i just think sometimes about
being comfortable and growing too
(bares teeth)
i'm so tired of making messes
but it always seems like the only other choice is to be nothing
and grr.
right, maybe, i guess. but with all boys who lie...
i do something wrong. i do it all wrong.
it's always the same pattern, i can see it a mile away.
the boy says amazing things that i don't understand enough to respond coherently and then i try to make sense of Why This Is Happening and i fumble around a lot in a state of shock that someone thinks i matter somehow and then i finally reciprocate and the boy's gone. and then i think about it, too much, and it hits me that i'm a sucker for the prettiest words, and i have to stop falling all over pretty words. but i say this all the time. i will always fall for pretty words. i should learn that one thing from julia, that no matter how pretty they freaking are, sometimes, they're just words. from a silly boy's mouth. who doesn't know you. so how could he know what the hell he's saying really. or the repurcussions.
but i haven't learned
and . ouch.
yeah, i wish i wouldn't either
and the pathetic part is, that's what defines me. that's why i'm me. that's why i say the things i say, and write what i do.
and that sucks! of all things, to be inspired by.
and i wonder where the heck they learn to say such startlingly sharp things to a girl
like, a school
"but enough about me, let's talk about YOU"
:I
:)
with who? in your own life?
whoa. that would be weird.
(sorry, i digress)
i always feel like i'm in something
i don't like it though
sometimes i believe in fate too much
but you're so
you take up the presence in a room of people, and it's comforting
i would sit by myself by yourself, and we could drink chocolate milk
oooh, lives
is it fun to be in the thick of things
:(
but but
who took it away?
?
um
stars are bright
the moon is round
would you be one of those, who has a twinkle in your eye and talks about all the famous lovers you once had
esther williams
all the rest
would you, um, sashay up the walk
with a shawl around your shoulders
with or without boob transplants
tee hee
yummy
i like pearls, i just don't like pissing oysters off
"acoustic guitar, bring her back to me"
yay
recognisable is good
i would want to be a luddite, but that would just fulfill me way too much
i'd be way too content to possibly be me
:)
mm moi aussi
printer came yesterday
oooh i like those the most
okay
twiddly dee dee
um. yes.
sleepy sleepy
no
do you prefer being naked?
because i keep talking to people who don't see why everybody won't just admit that being naked is much more comfortable
and i disagree
no, but...i mean, underwear...i like underwear. a whole lot.
i'd feel much freer walking around with underwear on than without it
maybe i'm just too "conditioned"
smirk
pretty, pretty acoustic
girl or boy
name?
michelle's voice teacher has a dachsund
his name is
hm...not haydn...but something like that
no...not pachabel...hm...not stravinsky...grr.
but. it's so cute.
hm...no.
i want to say coltrane next, and that's not right
if i was a dachsund named coltrane i'd prance around on my tiny legs and think tee hee, i'm really cool and really tiny
:D
oh...well. it could be an ode to something else then
and should i stop bothering you?
sigh bonnie prince billy
hm...right
?
i like hiding in the bushes...privacy
tee hee
actually, it's because of all the netsex people in the rochester area
there's like 10 already on the "not on list" part...they're all like "wanna see a picture of me? i'm hot and single."
grr
sigh
jacques helped me figure out how to tell people in an okay fashion to fuck off
some guy from turkey kept propositioning him and he said "do lesbians turn you on" and jacques answered "no, what would really turn me on is fantasizing about running you over in my car. go away."
mary gaitskill is so right
shy people are always the biggest hams
for tabs?
hm...um, yes, but i'm not sure you'd like them, because they tend to be emphasizing fuzzy guitar sounds and such...let me look into it, though, okay?
if you became mary timony's doppelganger i'd die
tee hee
it's pretty.
:I
but, um, only if you want it, i meant
(thinking of kids in the hall sketch about sarcasm, where the man can't stop being sarcastic, it's just the way he talks)
lol
it'll be a while...i hope it's okay
and aaaaah. i nearly fell on the floor.
i didn't know what to say at first
:D
understood
i still can't get over that yo la tengo is a marriage band
and ah i envy them
yeah
they have this song on that disc, and it's called "center of gravity" and it's a love song for each other, but they're married, but the lyrics make it feel like they're just two scrawny lawn kids in their tshirts going out for soda
and they say geeky wonderful things like "two halves of a circle, you and me"
chelsea
what do you need?
chelsea
what do you need?
i never think to ask
and seein' as i'm so needy i thought maybe i should not think about myself all the time
of course i still will, because i'm a jerk like that, but let me indulge in thinking i could ever make progress eh
oh...
(nod)
:/
:`
this one is coming
hum is underrated
but you know that already
and besides, it's good to be a secret
it's really sad, and dimly lit, and hopeful, and squinting
and pretty indie
i feel like i'm in the room with her
and hey, they were on the simpsons!
giggle
yup
they released a cd on their label of all of their old stuff compiled before, of indie tapes and whatnot
part of the electra2000 package i guess
i have yet to get "the downward is heavanward"...she promised to send a tape when i get to college
(crosses fingers)
and dave is working on his site, dave the pretty one, jesus in drag dave
tee hee
i should just break down and give you my copy of the album, the free one
cause as much as i love it, i have a suspicious feeling you'd like it more
and it's the effect of seeing it, with its xerox art and liner notes waxing philosophical on religion and transvestism (sp??) and the way the cd is gold
"if jesus came back he'd be called a fag in drag."
yes, agreed completely chelsea
not mad at jesus, mad at people who "hate fags."
"gave"?
aaaah
:D
lol
do you think the boys will even miss us? when i try to be honest to myself, i think "no."
no, i mean i don't think they think ever about us, they just go along with "caring" because they know we do
ouch
only chris, and you detest him too so
dave likes you
and peter and you just have awkward situations..as he does with many, including emily
that's his problem, him not being able to control what he should and shouldn't do
have you?
okay
as can be understood
that, i understood. more than i want to.
being let in and then eventually having the door in your face and not getting used to it and being confused...the worst. the worst part of relationships.
i don't want to be let in at all.
it rips my heart out and lives in my head. i don't want to be there when it comes to stay. sigh.
hey.
i've been saying somewhere between seven and eight.
i thought it was really late, and was quite confused when i looked at the clock.
i have hot chocolate. the kind that sue gave me for my birthday.
the marshmallows were gone in one spoonful.
good.
anytime, or any time, i don't know.
yes, i told my uncle that you drooled on me. but not really. it's a goofd thing.
oh, dear.
i believe that, officially, :Q is smoking, but it could be a lazy tongue as well.
yeah, open-mouthed smile.
glee.
of course, my Q is all curly. it's a bent cigarette.
oh, lord, i was there for hours last night.
stinky meat and, after that, stinky feet. the meat one was truely repulsive.
a cronicle of what happens when a plate of meat sits in your neighbors yard for nineteen days.
yes. i gagged repeatedly. and the meat guy actually had to take close up photographs.
the feet guy was kinder cute, so it weren't all that bad.
he goes to harvard. how sad.
he purposely contracted athlete's foot, but no description could do it justice.
:b <--- apparently a small tongue.
ookay.
yes.
oh, good.
i'm sure.
i'm so terrinly embarassed by my theme, that i had to hide it wednesday night.
the kitty one is my mom's.
sorry, no.
bj!
nonoo. even worse--bad video game.
ff7, which isn't bad in itself, but the theme is awful.
orange!
who?
yah... i'm currently looking for the guitar part of 'ode to joy'.
head tilted in puppy dog fashion.
nifty things.
i was seriously threatened this afternoon by a fourteen year old miniature pincher named 'angel.
but a dachsund puppy licked my hand, so it was okay.
i fed a hell of a lot of chicadees today. we were at the frogpond, and i have a great fondness for birds (no, really?). when i finally ran out of bread, i started throwing garbonzo beans. i've never liked them.
"mamma.com: the mother of all search engines."
indeed.
my mother loves them.
what exactly are you talking about.
"celebrity deatmatch?"
sigh...
again, head tilt.
hm....
i'm sure.
oh, dear.
too late. impossible.
i've hated you too much to ever stop loving you.
that hasn't got much to do with it. you're growing into yourself phase just happenend to annoy the piss out of me.
but this was a great while ago. i'm not so sure. i know you're not done, but, don't know, you take getitng used to.
understandable. but puberty wasn't pleasant.
yah, sure.
hum. 'supposed.'
i just meant that i get all of the nastiness over early.
i feel placid. like i've gone throught the time of reckoning.
i haven't been really upset since last winter.
i don't know about that.
i feel fiercely about you. just not angry. and i can be all ferocious.
indeed.
for me anyway, you've had a fairly long mess-free stretch.
you do it your way. and you figure it out eventually, i'm sure. if you can see it.
they shouldn't be..
i wish you wouldn't fall.
but that's me.
yeah.
i never know what to say. and i feel lile a secondary character in some goofy novel.
not always, but, hey, now.
no, the book wouldn't be about me, but i'd be narrating it. ah.
no.
i know that, but that just happens, and more and more, i sit by myself.
with bendy straws.
green.
the neighbors are having a party. it's saturday night.
oh, i thought you said something else,
sometimes, i guess, but sometimes it's forced.
last night, after forcing myslef into dressing up, we drove to the "dinner party" and i just clenched my teeth and hated having to go. i had a pleasant time, but it's hard to get started, i'm out of practice.
i've been the social leader for so long, five years now, that it's hard having the position taken away. i even catch myself trying to maintain a low profile. that's new and different.
it's that i'm stubborn, and i don't feel like getting into the same self-pitying arguement, not that you'd argue, but, regardless. agh.
i lost it myself. i'm a bigger jerk on occasion than i thought myslef to be.
i don't realize it, but i take up space, and i've obviously been hurful.
know i feel like an aging starlet. hah.
i'll be wearing black sequens and tasteful shoes. only when i'm feeling cranky, or drunk (talking too loud, again). mostly, i'd hide and wait for lifetime achievement awards.
they'd be very broad, and i'd be statuesque, and very grand and dignified.
i'd have grandchildren grow up to become pop musicians, and people would, oh, lord, without. i won't need them.
but i'll be slightly mannish. just in a stocky way.
and i'd wear bright eyeshadow, because noone tells me i look silly, they'll give me that much. i'll have short, curled, silver hair.
pearls. of course.
i like my great grandmother's fake pearls.
she was poor, they're cheap, but her name was pearl, and they're lovely.
i can play the opening bars of our nation's anthem on my guitar. badly, but recognisable.
"it's 12:00 and i'm standing here in your yard, i sold my computer for a used accoustic guitar"
indeed. i didn't have such luck with the harmonica.
i'm a whore to technology, god bless me.
proud of it.
i have bubble paper.
mine is the big kind.
yes, so satisfying...
hang on, must pee.
oh, yeah.
oh?
then sleep.
'tis good for you.
i've always hated night clothes. the only thing i won't kick off is bike shorts and a sports bra. it has to be tight or it freaks me out.
i guess.
underwear is a recently developed habit for me. i started thinking it was cool to walk around in, with a big teeshirt, and that was it. i fell in love.
the guitar is out of the bag.
and 'stars' is real hard. and too loud for my poor li'l accoustic.
i'm not sure, yet, but i'm thinking about emmy lou, b.b., and oh, i don't know, i'm still thinking. i'll know when i know. i'm sure it will come to me when we're better acquainted.
handel?
hm..
strauss?
teehee, i'm sure.
but too cool.
i'd wear a blue bandana.
this doesn't sound like ode to joy, oh, dear.
no, especially not if this is the wrong song. sigh. i need something to practice.
and i'll have to learn in front of the computer, anyway.
ack! i would if i could find it. it would be awful slow. oh, i just remembered that i'm still connected. hah.
i forgot i was online.
yes, i've noted that. that's why i actually said hi insteasd of thinking you were actually away.
yeah... today i got, um... "you must see this," and then a message from "i love cyber sex." nooo.
um, yes.
hm.
i'll take your word for it.
know any good indie resources?
yeah.
okay.
snork.
yeah.
i'm sure.
no, i do.
i really was sure, though.
oh...
ooh, this is awful fast for me, i was all excited.
winamp. yadada.
okay.
i have and nine minute mix of tainted love with some funky supreme's song attached to the end. it's my coolest.
but it's the guy from soft cell singing, i was so in love. i don't know what he looks like, but he sounds pretty.
yeahyah.
:), but not quite that sly.
young men named ira must be wonderful.
oh...
" "
" "
good...
"huh?"
ah. yes, fot. um.
i don't think about that very often, i don't have a handy response prepared.
i need to feel protected, by someone.
safety is something i can fall for so easily.
which is a trifle odd, but heck.
i need to feel special, or individual; i hate being lumped together.
i need to feel necessary. i can live without that, but not for very long. fifth wheel isn't pleasant. i can just sit and watch sometimes, and feel like a presence.
i used to think i needed to be included, but the excluded are their own group, so there are wayts to worl around that.
but anyway, it's easy to give up, and wehen i try to feel like i exist, and i don't achieve the expected response, it can be crushing.
i'm not allowed to listen to these yet? obviously not... i think. hum.
it's big.
oh, yes.
does hum still exist?
if she remembers, i'm sure she will.
wow.
oh, fotuna..
that's good , too.
why would that be?
i'm sure you need it too...
hmm...
i have no ideda.
homemade music is lovely.
ooh.
i'm sure.
teehee, last winter, some hacker gave godhatesfags.com to godlovesfags.com with hilarious consequences.
oh, yes.
routed all of its traffic to the other site.
it was veeery good.
i don't know. if they don't, it's probably just because they're distracted.
in their hearyts of hearts.
recall that you is different from me.
no, they like you, dear. they detest me, and have for a year, at least. i don't hate chris, he just thinks i do, i don't like him, but, to my mind, he isn't worth the effort, and, no, peter and dave don't like me either.
or they're just being loyal.
i know that hes's discussed any problem we ever had openly woihth chris. i don't want to hear about things like that from chris.
but it makes me nauseous, because he won't tell me why he's upset.
and it's been so fucking long, that i don't kow why he doesn't get over it.
even i've moved on.
yeah, it just took ages. and it gets aggravated when he randomly treats me like crap.
but i don't hate him.
i don't get him.
i've tried.
and he let me in for a while; that's what i think the problem is.
hm.
boys with shells.
/
mine, i think.
hi
what time is your party?
hm okay
yes, me too...i feel tired
and i slept all day, too
tired stiill...sigh
ah well
mmmmm
i want some...i'm gonna go make some when we're done talking
thanks for holding me last night
i needed a good holding
:(
:(.....
:Q....
that's more authentic, i guess
i don't actually know what each face means, i just go by what they look like to me
someone told me this
:D
was laughing really hard
i didn't know that; i thought he just looked really happy
oh no smoking for me
"ask jesus to jesusify a web page"
at thespark.com
oooh
with a big scary holder
why?
tests?
ewww
:P
my sister just walked in from work, and she says "well at least nobody expects me to kiss their ass."
baby tongue
my mother told me this
and martin donovan is now gracing the desktop of my imac
:D
he's a beautiful thing
what's yours?
kinky sex, right
(look)
or maybe barney
baby bop
spice girls
wow, that's gotta be bad
which one?
lol
now that they're big stars, her face is everywhere
newsweek and time and spin and such
"the pretty girl."
i dunno.
:P
starts with a
oooh...i'll be right back hold on please and say nifty things while i check to see if the iron chef loses this time
garbonzo beans are icky
i'm chewing nails waiting for the decision
the challenger better kick his ass
this show jeff got me into
tee hee
rahw
RAHWR
grrrrrrrrr
it's this bizarre bizarre cooking show
like celebrity death match if it was taking place in japan, and the dubbing was reeeeally funny (goes without saying), and its emphasis on food was so much so that it was a bit frightening
there's a "kitchen stadium"
and the whole thing to fulfill the sponsor man's "Dream"
it's great
great fun
but rigged grr
you know, one day you're going to fall out of love with me
and i will cry a lot
why, 'cause, everyone who does does
'cause i'm me and i'm like that
um...i guess that should be comforting somehow, but somehow it isn't
sigh
i like to whine to people who shouldn't take it from me
when was that, i forget again
well, i am most interested in growing. above everything else.
really.
um, poke poke, puberty hasn't even hardly started for this girl here
shh it's a secret
no really
really late
but aside from all of that ugliness, it's just. i know i'm not supposed to feel comfortable in love with anyone.
and, gosh, that's hard you know
it's all bated breath and swearing
and i don't think it comes easy
"caroline's supposed demon."
??
but it comes again, i think. i'm sure.
and besides, who wants that if it means
if it means not even feeling anything
that's it, it's not even feeling anything
or its all of this violence in feeling that drives people insane
i just think sometimes about
being comfortable and growing too
(bares teeth)
i'm so tired of making messes
but it always seems like the only other choice is to be nothing
and grr.
right, maybe, i guess. but with all boys who lie...
i do something wrong. i do it all wrong.
it's always the same pattern, i can see it a mile away.
the boy says amazing things that i don't understand enough to respond coherently and then i try to make sense of Why This Is Happening and i fumble around a lot in a state of shock that someone thinks i matter somehow and then i finally reciprocate and the boy's gone. and then i think about it, too much, and it hits me that i'm a sucker for the prettiest words, and i have to stop falling all over pretty words. but i say this all the time. i will always fall for pretty words. i should learn that one thing from julia, that no matter how pretty they freaking are, sometimes, they're just words. from a silly boy's mouth. who doesn't know you. so how could he know what the hell he's saying really. or the repurcussions.
but i haven't learned
and . ouch.
yeah, i wish i wouldn't either
and the pathetic part is, that's what defines me. that's why i'm me. that's why i say the things i say, and write what i do.
and that sucks! of all things, to be inspired by.
and i wonder where the heck they learn to say such startlingly sharp things to a girl
like, a school
"but enough about me, let's talk about YOU"
:I
:)
with who? in your own life?
whoa. that would be weird.
(sorry, i digress)
i always feel like i'm in something
i don't like it though
sometimes i believe in fate too much
but you're so
you take up the presence in a room of people, and it's comforting
i would sit by myself by yourself, and we could drink chocolate milk
oooh, lives
is it fun to be in the thick of things
:(
but but
who took it away?
?
um
stars are bright
the moon is round
would you be one of those, who has a twinkle in your eye and talks about all the famous lovers you once had
esther williams
all the rest
would you, um, sashay up the walk
with a shawl around your shoulders
with or without boob transplants
tee hee
yummy
i like pearls, i just don't like pissing oysters off
"acoustic guitar, bring her back to me"
yay
recognisable is good
i would want to be a luddite, but that would just fulfill me way too much
i'd be way too content to possibly be me
:)
mm moi aussi
printer came yesterday
oooh i like those the most
okay
twiddly dee dee
um. yes.
sleepy sleepy
no
do you prefer being naked?
because i keep talking to people who don't see why everybody won't just admit that being naked is much more comfortable
and i disagree
no, but...i mean, underwear...i like underwear. a whole lot.
i'd feel much freer walking around with underwear on than without it
maybe i'm just too "conditioned"
smirk
pretty, pretty acoustic
girl or boy
name?
michelle's voice teacher has a dachsund
his name is
hm...not haydn...but something like that
no...not pachabel...hm...not stravinsky...grr.
but. it's so cute.
hm...no.
i want to say coltrane next, and that's not right
if i was a dachsund named coltrane i'd prance around on my tiny legs and think tee hee, i'm really cool and really tiny
:D
oh...well. it could be an ode to something else then
and should i stop bothering you?
sigh bonnie prince billy
hm...right
?
i like hiding in the bushes...privacy
tee hee
actually, it's because of all the netsex people in the rochester area
there's like 10 already on the "not on list" part...they're all like "wanna see a picture of me? i'm hot and single."
grr
sigh
jacques helped me figure out how to tell people in an okay fashion to fuck off
some guy from turkey kept propositioning him and he said "do lesbians turn you on" and jacques answered "no, what would really turn me on is fantasizing about running you over in my car. go away."
mary gaitskill is so right
shy people are always the biggest hams
for tabs?
hm...um, yes, but i'm not sure you'd like them, because they tend to be emphasizing fuzzy guitar sounds and such...let me look into it, though, okay?
if you became mary timony's doppelganger i'd die
tee hee
it's pretty.
:I
but, um, only if you want it, i meant
(thinking of kids in the hall sketch about sarcasm, where the man can't stop being sarcastic, it's just the way he talks)
lol
it'll be a while...i hope it's okay
and aaaaah. i nearly fell on the floor.
i didn't know what to say at first
:D
understood
i still can't get over that yo la tengo is a marriage band
and ah i envy them
yeah
they have this song on that disc, and it's called "center of gravity" and it's a love song for each other, but they're married, but the lyrics make it feel like they're just two scrawny lawn kids in their tshirts going out for soda
and they say geeky wonderful things like "two halves of a circle, you and me"
chelsea
what do you need?
chelsea
what do you need?
i never think to ask
and seein' as i'm so needy i thought maybe i should not think about myself all the time
of course i still will, because i'm a jerk like that, but let me indulge in thinking i could ever make progress eh
oh...
(nod)
:/
:`
this one is coming
hum is underrated
but you know that already
and besides, it's good to be a secret
it's really sad, and dimly lit, and hopeful, and squinting
and pretty indie
i feel like i'm in the room with her
and hey, they were on the simpsons!
giggle
yup
they released a cd on their label of all of their old stuff compiled before, of indie tapes and whatnot
part of the electra2000 package i guess
i have yet to get "the downward is heavanward"...she promised to send a tape when i get to college
(crosses fingers)
and dave is working on his site, dave the pretty one, jesus in drag dave
tee hee
i should just break down and give you my copy of the album, the free one
cause as much as i love it, i have a suspicious feeling you'd like it more
and it's the effect of seeing it, with its xerox art and liner notes waxing philosophical on religion and transvestism (sp??) and the way the cd is gold
"if jesus came back he'd be called a fag in drag."
yes, agreed completely chelsea
not mad at jesus, mad at people who "hate fags."
"gave"?
aaaah
:D
lol
do you think the boys will even miss us? when i try to be honest to myself, i think "no."
no, i mean i don't think they think ever about us, they just go along with "caring" because they know we do
ouch
only chris, and you detest him too so
dave likes you
and peter and you just have awkward situations..as he does with many, including emily
that's his problem, him not being able to control what he should and shouldn't do
have you?
okay
as can be understood
that, i understood. more than i want to.
being let in and then eventually having the door in your face and not getting used to it and being confused...the worst. the worst part of relationships.
i don't want to be let in at all.
it rips my heart out and lives in my head. i don't want to be there when it comes to stay. sigh.