Fake Backstories

Valentina Tereshkova - chick lit

The girls back at the textile factory would have scorned Valentina's
cosmonaut uniform as the most unflattering piece of clothing they had ever
seen, but this was SPACE, bitches!

Loammi Baldwin -- Magical Realism

1 Reply

@George,

Loammi Baldwin -- Magical Realism

Loammi Baldwin -- no relation to Alec -- got off the subway and then cast a bath spell on the first homeless guy he saw.

Mike Nesmith - Biblical epic

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Mike Nesmith - Biblical epic

Lo, it came to pass in those days that a man came forth from the plains clad
in goatskin and wearing a woolen cap and the man was named Mike Nesmith
who was loath indeed to put anybody down.

Barney Fife -- spy thriller

1 Reply

@George,

Barney Fife -spy thriller

As his former friend and colleague sat strumming his guitar out in front of Floyd's Barber Shop, Barney Fife took the bullet from his shirt pocket and slid it under the stuffed bear laying on the sheriff's shelf, hoping the mic would pick up the truth about what Andy and Otis had been doing with Thelma-Lou and vowing they'd pay!

John Boy Walton - subterranean horror

1 Reply

@Sturgis,

John Boy Walton - subterranean horror

Amidst the cheery good-nights and gray Depression poverty, there lurks a menace under Walton Mountain, an ancient reptilian with a foul stench that almost got Mary Ellen and that we wish would consume Cousin Cora - and it's my job, as the eldest son, to shoot that thar thing.

Bernie Mac - fairy tale

1 Reply

@jespah,

Bernie Mac - fairy tale

Once upon a time there was jester named Bernie Mac who merrily jested
about the king's mother and made the other dungeon inmates laugh and
laugh.

And now it's time for: Betty Boop -- Science Fiction

1 Reply

@George,

Betty Boop -- Science Fiction

Some said she was mad as a hatter, but Major Betty Boop obsessed over perfecting the gravitational slingshot past our neighboring black hole, A0620-00 B, to stellarshift to the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy.

Bill Plympton: Art history.

1 Reply

@tsarstepan,

Bill Plympton: Art history.

This doodling har har harbinger of hilarious historicity in reverse put the o in omen with his work on Idiots and Angels (2008), I Married a Strange Person! (1997) and Cheatin' (2013).

Pope Francis of Sinatra - Dogma documentary

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Pope Francis of Sinatra - Dogma documentary

A most blessed holy father, Pope Francis of Sinatra was known for his eleven disciples at the ocean, Sister Ava Gardner, and his blue eyes.

Robin Hood - French new wave cinema

1 Reply

@jespah,

Robin Hood - French new wave cinema
Riche ou pauvre, l'argent brûle au toucher. [Rich or poor, silver burns to the touch.]

Noah Webster, Satire

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@Sturgis,

This is Walter Cronkite reporting live from an island off Greece. A brash teenager named Perseus is somehow suspended in mid-air brandishing a sword and what looks like some kind of a shield. He's launching a vicious attack upon what some say is a beautiful woman with snakes for hair. I can't say for sure because I haven't seen her.

He's cut her head off. Oh the blood! Oh the gore! Oh the humanity! And that's the way it is.

Donald Trump in a Bugs Bunny cartoon

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Noah Webster, Satire

Noah Webster's campaign manager addressed the media, "He's a man who
doesn't know the meaning of dishonesty, who doesn't know the meaning of
corruption, who doesn't know the meaning of collusion . . . "

Hey, kids, look who's next: Captain Kangaroo -- Hard-boiled private eye novel

1 Reply

@George,

Captain Kangaroo -- Hard-boiled private eye novel

It was midnight at the Treasure House when I got a call about a triple homicide. The victims were Slim Goodbody, The Banana Man, and Mr. Moose. I only knew of one possible perp in this love rhombus. I took a drag off my Marlboro and loaded my .45 and went on the prowl for a man known only as Green Jeans.

Marlon Brando - uplifting sports drama

1 Reply

@jespah,

Marlon Brando - uplifting sports drama

His stella performance coulda been a contender for Most Valued Palooka in this world record attempt at the corn chip eating snatch, clean-and-jerk mumble.

Donald Trump in a Bugs Bunny cartoon

1 Reply

@ekename,

Donald Trump in a Bugs Bunny cartoon

Spoiler alert.

Undone by a tweeting bird's "I tort I tore a pussy cat" Sly succumbs.

Angelina Jolly Rogers - Nautical Romance

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Angelina Jolly Rogers - Nautical Romance

They said she was the most beautiful girl in the Atlantic, but she did reek of mackerel.

Tom Hanks - Italian light opera

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Tom Hanks - Italian light opera

Pagliacci with a box of chocolates, with Hanks as Tonio and Wilson the ball as Canio.

Marlon Brando film bio of Caruso

1 Reply

@edgarblythe,

Marlon Brando film bio of Caruso

A cussin' n' spittin' image of Enrico, born in the same neapolitan slurry, Marlon was made for this title role in "Over Dare" in which he hits his A above middle C in the documentary's opening aria, "I Scream", using the now banned Stanislavski cotton balls technique.

Movie Trailer:

Saint Valentine - Sand and sandal epic

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Saint Valentine - Sand and sandal epic

Valentinus hated delving back into the Ancient Mysteries he had left behind,
but as he set his eyes on the eyes of the centurian he intoned, "These aren't
the Christians you're looking for."

Bill Belichick -- madcap comedy

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Bill Belichick -- madcap comedy

Belichick regretted cutting the sleeves off his sweatshirts when he and Roger Goodell were locked in a walk-in freezer.

Sarah Jessica Parker - zombie apocalypse

1 Reply

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