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Sun 24 Apr, 2016 08:14 pm
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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Okay, a guy gets out of work early one day and comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and says, "What's going on here?"
His wife turns to the man in bed with her and says, "See, I told you he was stupid."
@Real Music,
Two men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "What do you mean, you can see perfectly? You're blind as a bat!" The second man says, "Think so? I can see perfectly. See that cat coming? I can see he has one eye." the first man says, "You are blind. That cat has two eyes, and he's not coming, he's going."
@cicerone imposter,
He's a miserable doctor. I called him because I was constipated, and he put me on hold.
@cicerone imposter,
Guy goes to the doctor and says, "I can't pee.
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
The guy says, "Eighty-three."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough."
@Glennn,
I was on a very considerate airline the other day. They served two meals. One on the plane, and the other while we waited for our luggage.
Q. What do Engineers use for birth control?
A. Their personality.
@roger,
Didn't you know? Peanuts is now a luxury. Small bag of pretzels.
A scientist is doing experiments with a frog. He says to the frog, "Jump frog, jump." The frog jumps, and so the scientist writes in his notebook: Frog jumps on command.
So the scientist takes the frog and cuts off one of its front legs, sets it back down and says, "Jump frog, jump." The frog jumps, and the scientist writes in his notebook: When front left leg is removed, frog jumps on command.
So the scientist takes the frog and cuts off its other front leg, sets it down and says, "Jump frog, jump." The frog jumps, and the scientist writes in his notebook: When right front leg is removed, frog jumps on command.
So the scientist takes the frog and cuts off one of its hind legs, sets it back down and says, "Jump frog, jump." The frog still jumps, though off balance, and the scientist writes in his notebook: When left hind leg is removed, frog jumps, though unbalanced.
So the scientist takes the frog and cuts its last leg off, sets it back down and says, "Jump frog, jump." The frog doesn't jump. So the scientist leans down toward the frog and loudly says, "Jump frog, jump." The frog still doesn't jump, and so the scientist writes in his notebook: When fourth leg is removed, frog can no longer hear.
(Family Guy's) Brian and Stewie fills in for Santa Claus to deliver toys
Family Guy's (Ipecac Drinking Contest)
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