The weeks between being offered a review and the appointment with the therapist who I’d worked with for about a year (March 2024-2025) were a rollercoaster of trying to prepare […]

A career to care. To pause your own life for a while and take in what I have to bring. To listen and contain.What are you thinking while I tell […]

Over the last 7 months I have been negotiating the Minator’s Labyrinth that is the UK mental health system, in an attempt to access a review from the therapy service […]

They stand, shining, into the darkness of the storm…

Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about the things in my life that are anchors…

I met my younger self at the beach today, We kicked our trainers off, feeling the sand between our toes, Within a minute I’d found somewhere to throw the backpack […]

I’m not really sure what safe feels like. To not have to live in this constant state of alert. To unclench my jaw, relax my shoulders, to exhale that tension […]

If that day had gone to plan, I wouldn’t be here… It would have been the end of my pain and I’d not have known any more… If that day […]

The Wall (May 2009)  There’s a clear blue sky above me  and soft green grass under my bare feet.  Walking through a beautiful garden  filled with every kind of flower […]

It is not your fault. You are not to blame. You do not deserve to be punished. You did not do anything to deserve it. It was out of your […]

I miss you most in the ordinary moments, When remembering you is as normal as any other part of my day. When I drink my morning coffee from the mug […]

I am an hour early, so is she. We both order the cheapest filter coffee with milk in a take away cup (it stays hotter that way being code for […]

There is a ball of pain inside me.It feels like a huge dark rock with jagged edges.If I stop and allow myself to “be”, if I take a deep breath […]

Please don’t miss the parts of me you cannot see… Don’t think that the “me” you see is all of me… The one that smiles, that professional face, the articulate […]

I am no stranger to living with not wanting to live… but somehow, I am still here…

“Not to build a clean, one-Line story, but to create a mosaic of experience.” Brianna West, The Pivot Year I have often used the phrase “there are no words” when […]

I wish I was braver or stupider, less logical and less controlled. I wish I could take the risk that could make everything stop, without being so afraid I would […]

I have worked so hard to build a world around me. One that has been holding back the tidal wave of darkness and pain inside me… I have spent a […]

I wish I could make it all stop…

I can’t promise you I will always be here. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting with this darkness. I am exhausted, on my knees, not even […]

Throughout this long journey with the darkness I have been accompanied by some incredible people… some I have known for only a brief time but their care and kindness remains… […]

I’m trying with everything I have, I am so tired of this fight and don’t know what else to tell you, I’m still here, I’m still holding on, I don’t […]

It’s getting heavier and messier trying to unravel a lifetime of jigsaw pieces with no picture to compare it to. My brain jumps from one memory to a smell, a […]

I have lived with not wanting to be for as long as I can remember. These fractured snapshots are some pieces of a puzzle I am slowly getting to know. […]

open.spotify.com/track/6hkfvOtijfWExiueBfPNEZ https://youtube.com/watch?v=XSbWdWzu2Tc&feature=share

There is a weight to the silence. In the space where there was once speech. There is a chill in the place where there was once warmth. Things you believed […]

After last week’s disassociated session where I flatly told the facts, today I tried really hard to really be present, knowing that I needed her to see that part of […]

It creeps in… It rises up… It crashes over… It takes my breath away… It breaks me… It brings tears to my eyes… It makes me want to escape… to […]

I have decided to protect the posts where I am processing or reflecting on the journey more deeply. This is because I want to ensure that keep myself safe in […]

In the last two years since needing to access physiotherapy after a car accident, my mental health has been unraveling. I know that I was the most well I have […]

My last resort survival strategies continue to be written on my skin. Believe me if that’s what it takes to keep holding on, then I’d rather the scars tell the […]

There is something broken, that cannot be fixed… A darkness that envelops without warning, so vast and deep… A ball of searing pain that expands with each breath threatening to […]

The art of getting by… Laura Zocca When you’re young you don’t think aboutHow good things have a bad sideYou spend your time waiting aroundFor the fall not the goodbyeWhen […]

In 2013 I wrote a spoken word piece called “To fix this…” about a lifetime of battling with not wanting to be here at all… I worked so hard, for […]

What do I do? I’ve been spending a lot of time in reflection on what to do next in this time of darkness. I have made steps of asking the […]

It’s been over 18 months since I’ve been out on the road with my bike. The car accident really knocked my confidence & the ongoing pain/injury restricting my capability… I’m […]

I had thought I had packed the darkness of the past into a place where it could remain; unresolved yes, but carefully carried so as to not disturb the contents. […]

I work hard. Too hard. I care about my job. It matters. Too much. Working distracts my brain from the darkness that threatens to overwhelm and destroy me. People tell […]

I have been wanting to support Maytree since they first opened. In my darkest days as a teenager and university student, their site would be one of the first to […]

To those who have spoken, written and held onto hope when I’ve not been able to myself. To those who have sat with me on dark nights, in person or in […]

I can’t stop the tears. My head feels like it will explode and the pain in my chest feels like it will break me in two.  I know, I’ve been […]

I’m sorry.  I’m working really hard to find a way to rescue you…  One day maybe you’ll feel safe enough to come out from where you’re hiding and let me […]

I just don’t want to be anymore… I know that I have to keep holding on and getting up and going to work and keeping my promises…  I will…  I […]