Head Games

Feb8

It’s been about 2 1/2 years since my weight loss surgery and I’m having some struggles. I’ve lost almost 200 lbs, and I get lots of compliments from friends, family, but most of all Al. He loves me unconditionally, and I’m so thankful for that. The hard part is to admit that I absolutely hate how I look. The weight loss has brought with it pounds of sagging skin. Every part of my body sags, and I can’t look at myself in the mirror without loathing the look. It brings with it depression, loss of self esteem, and libido that has remained non-existent since the surgery.

I’ve met with a couple of plastic surgeons to explore getting these sags “cleaned up”, but the price is overwhelming. We’re talking $20,000-$30,000 to have my belly, butt, legs, thighs, arms and breast augmented to make me look human again instead of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Some friends have said to take it one step at a time, but I don’t even know where to start. I hate it all. I don’t know which I would prioritize as needed the most… well, except the breasts are last. It doesn’t matter, it’s just not affordable no matter how I look at it. Even though Al is backing me 110% no matter my decision.

Al has been such a blessing. We’ve had heart-to-heart discussions about this, and the fact that I don’t like myself enough to even let him see me without baggy clothes. I know in my head that I look better, but the mirror tells a different story. I think in the very near future I’m going to get some counseling about this, just for my own sanity. Meantime, trying to keep my head above water and ward off the depression that is so debilitating.

Thanks for stopping by and taking a look at my blog. I’m going to try to write more beginning this month. I got so off track last year. Many blessings ~ Tamara

“C” Stands for . . .?

Nov20

I’ve had the most challenging year in 2024. But I won’t remember most of it unless I take the time to write it down here. Perhaps the absolute worst thing has been being diagnosed with CRPS – “Complex Regional Pain Syndrome”. And, for some reason, I cannot (for the life of me) remember what the “C” stands for – “Complex”.

Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) is a form of chronic pain that usually affects an arm or a leg. complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) typically develops after an injury, a surgery, a stroke or a heart attack. The pain is out of proportion to the severity of the initial injury.

In my circumstance, it was initiated by my rotary cuff surgery from December 2023. and it has affected my left arm/wrist/hand as well as the base of my skull – which gives me chronic headaches. My left arm is all but unusable, and causes me incredible pain with certain movements. My hand is severely disabled and also causes much pain to use in any fashion. I went to physical therapy twice weekly for a year with only minimal progress. I’ve seen 1 neurologist, 5 neurosurgeons and all say there is nothing they can do for me. Just “live with it” the best I can. One of the neurosurgeons also diagnosed “Chiari Type 1” syndrome – but that’s for another post.

So, I am currently unable to work outside the home. Or inside, for that matter. I’ve been muddling through trying to take care of my 12 bunnies, and 1 husband. Definitely not for the squeamish. Tonight I’m actually having a “good night” (at 2:16 a.m.), as I’m not too depressed, and the pain is currently bearable. Typing is a challenge though. I just don’t know where to go from here. I want to go back to work, as being on social security is . . . not secure. Here, when I was working, I always wanted just a “few days off” to enjoy life, get some things done, relax. I haven’t worked in almost a year, and am unable to do or enjoy any of those precious things I’d wanted. Al and I were supposed to vacation last month. . . but with my condition and his broken leg (again, another post), we aren’t able to travel except locally short distances for a short time.

Anyway, that kinda sums up my post for tonight. I’ll post about the Chiari and Al’s broken leg another time. I’m thankfully finally getting tired and will hopefully be able to get to sleep through the pain of my arm movement.

Thank you for stopping by. Many blessings, Tamara

Time on My Hands

Nov5

The year 2024 is soon coming to a close, and I can honestly say it was a year from hell. The entire year, for me, was spent in undeniable pain and just trying to come to grips with not having much relief. My entire left arm and hand have been “out of commission” for the most part. I have been going to physical therapy since January with little forward movement. I have “retired” and am collecting Social Security for now, with hopes to go back to work. But here it is November and I’m still unable to hope to get back into the workforce.

Having been diagnosed with CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome), as well has Chiari Type 1, I just can’t count on myself for anything each day. I have chronic “headaches” at the base of my skull that often put me out of commission, my back/spine has multiple issues, and then there’s my left arm fiasco. All of this is post rotator cuff surgery ~ which seems to be the culprit in putting this all in motion. I forgot to mention that with these health issues has come massive memory loss. I’ll be going along with conversation and then suddenly completely forget what I was going to say, or a simple word that was coming next – gone. It’s so frustrating.

In addition, Al had an accident at work on September 5th and has been home with a broken leg since then. I love him to pieces, but he’s making me crazy. I can’t blame him, he’s bored… and in pain. We have no idea when he’ll be going back to work, or even if they’re hold his job for him. Who knows? But our income has taken a huge hit and that plays on my mind constantly.

We’ve been fortunate in that Brian has been a huge help whenever we need him. What a blessing! Also, our neighbors have been there for us. Wish I could say the same for our church. Haven’t heard a thing from any of them. The most thing we need help with is taking care of the rabbits. Cleaning hutches is particularly difficult, but I’ve been managing. What else am I supposed to do? I don’t ask for help easily because I hate being turned down, which is almost always the case.

Anyway, here I am at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, wide awake. Writing all this stuff down not because I think anyone will read it, but just to keep myself sane. Having no family or friends to share how I feel or what’s going on takes a toll.

If anyone happens to find/read my blog, thanks for stopping by. Many blessings to you ~ Tamara

Transformation

Apr2

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t like this new person.

Last September 2023, I took a rather nasty fall in the back yard by stepping into a rather deep hole created by one of my beloved bunnies. I tried to break my fall with my arms, and I thought I was good until a few days later my left arm became quite painful. I didn’t think much of it until it grew worse. After a trip to my primary card doc, she referred me to an orthopedic doc for xrays. Xrays showed a torn rotator cuff. And that’s where it begins. It’s so complicated and drawn out, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to complete the story in this one post. I’m so tired and so in pain, I can’t type for long.

Suffice to say that the orthopedic surgeon (Dr. Alexander) was fine to go ahead and do surgery to put my arm back together. I just didn’t know any better. Meantime, right before Thanksgiving I started what looked to be a new awesome job (having left my awful position at Auburn Community Hospital a week or so before). Unfortunately, the shoulder injury made things considerably more difficult. I managed to work only 4 days at Corvel, and then the injury took me out of work “indefinitely” per Dr. Alexander. I couldn’t expect Corvel to wait for me for what was looking to be the entire year, so we agreed that I should quit… give up my new job to someone else who can actually be there. It was then that I went into early retirement, with the intention of taking on a part time position when my injury gets all fixed and better.

Surgery was December 8, 2023. I retired January 4th. I don’t even know how to explain how the complications crept in. The surgery was on my left shoulder, thank God I’m right-handed! It has been a nightmare of unending pain. I’ve been doing physical therapy since mid-January, but accomplished little. I began having chronic, every-day bad headaches, unexplainable. Then my left hand, from the wrist down, became painful and harder to use as my fingers and wrist just don’t want to work and hurt so bad. Sometimes I just get up out of the bed in the morning and come sit in my rocker/recliner the whole day just trying to find pain relief.

Ugggh, anyway, I gotta stop for tonight. My hand is excruciating. I’ll continue with the story tomorrow morning.

Thanks for tuning in! Prayers are always welcome.

Off the Grid ~

Oct7

Have I really been off WordPress for two years? Hard to believe. Over those two years, my health has deteriorated and the constant pain has gotten worse, if possible. There isn’t any part of my that doesn’t hurt, it’s just a matter of degrees. My back and my extremities are the worst, my hips make it hard to walk, my legs/feet/knees also make it hard. My left arm is encountering some extreme pain currently, for what reason I don’t know. But I’m going to Auburn Orthopedics on Monday to see if it can get “fixed”. I use a cane most of the time now, reluctantly, because, frankly, it’s embarrassing. People treat you differently, like you’ve got some contagious disease or even like you’re pretending to be in pain to get attention. I hate being obviously different, so I try to hide the pain I’m in. But I can no longer hide the fact that I need a cane to walk with.

Nights are absolutely torturous. My legs go through “restless leg syndrome” all too often, or they just plain ache. My hips hurt mercilessly, making it hard to lay on either side, and my back is in so much pain that I cannot sleep on my back either. I recently joined a Facebook group for people experiencing chronic pain and have learned a lot. There are a lot of people living with extreme pain that cannot get pain relief from healthcare. Doctors don’t take patients seriously when confronted with pain. So many of these people are actually suicidal. Sadly, I understand. I can’t say that it hasn’t entered my thoughts now and then. Pain can do that to you… make you irrational.

I’m currently on an opioid pain medication, but not nearly enough to relieve the pain. It does, however, keep me semi sane most of the time. I can only take two per day, but I actually NEED at least twice that to be functional. My life is solely focused on pain relief right now. That’s all. I don’t think of anything else, and nothing else motivates me other than trying to maintain pain relief. I spend all week trying to get through work, counting the hours until I can go home and just recline (the only way I get relief) and then take some meds. And I spend those hours at home thinking about the coming weekend and what needs to be done versus what I’m capable of doing. It’s a depressing way to live. Hubby will help me with whatever I need, but I hate asking him all the time. Especially when it comes to taking care of my bunnies, cleaning hutches, feeding/watering etc. I’m supposed to be doing that. Yet I barely can anymore. And as far as the house… LOL! I do what I can, but it’s noticeably not much. I asked my eldest daughter for some help once a year ago, and we haven’t spoken since. So, needless to say, I’m reluctant to ask anyone for anything. (My daughter sent me the most heinous, nasty text after I asked for her help, that’s why we haven’t spoken since).

Anyway, it’s becoming even more painful to sit here and type. I gotta go take some meds and lay down. Blessed sleep can’t come soon enough. Thanks for stopping by and taking a look after all this time.

Many blessings to you ~

Starting Over

Jun10

It’s 9:15 a.m. and I’m home.  I’m not supposed to be home, I’m supposed to be at work.  But this morning I woke up unemployed, and depressed.  I started a new job a year ago and I’ve been working HARD at it often working evenings, early mornings and even weekends to keep up.  It’s not that I’m slow or incompetent, it’s that this position is way over-balanced.  I mean, there’s way too much responsibility for one person to handle in this job.  But I did my best.  My supervisor, the Plant Manager, gave me a great review after the 1st 90 days, and a raise.  Then I just got another raise 3 weeks ago.  Then that Plant Manager left the company and his boss took over in the interim of finding a new Plant Manager.

This is where it all went awry.  I’m not going to rant or be disgruntled about it.  Suffice to say that the Regional Manager is clueless.  He has no idea what my responsibilities included, let alone what it takes to accomplish these responsibilities.  He took me into his office yesterday for my 1 year review, and I was sure that it was going to be at least “good” ~ and he basically reamed me out.  I’m too slow, I’m not “aggressive enough”, I don’t seek out answers to questions, I don’t get my work done on a daily basis ~ let alone that I’ve been doing the job of 2 ½ people for the past two months as one other person left plus they heaped a bunch of other human resource responsibilities onto me.  I’m not making excuses.  These are facts.  I was given a written warning and told that if I can’t “keep up” I will be dismissed.  The person who he was relying on to give him information about my performance doesn’t like me, so he was given a bunch of crap about me.  She fed him lies probably to help him with his new agenda, whatever that is.

Yesterday afternoon I went on Indeed.com and found an ad for MY JOB there.  It had been listed for two weeks.  So, I guess that goes to show that an agenda was, indeed, in place.  So after my scathing review, I decided I was done.  My option was to “give more”, and I just had no more to give.  It was going to be inevitable that I would be fired in very short order.  So I left.  I came home at 4:30 as usual, then went back at 8 pm when I knew no one would be there, and I packed up my things and cleaned out my area of anything personal and I came home.  BTW, yeah, I was doing such a horrible job that I was given a key to the plant to use at my discretion.

So here I am at 62 years of age looking for a new start with a new employer when I should be looking towards retirement.  I’m a really good employee.  I work hard, I have a LOT of knowledge and experience in an office environment.  I’m loyal and dedicated.  I give my all where I work.  And I’m starting over.

Depressed and feeling incompetent, even though I know better!

Thanks for stopping by ~  Tamara